


Shadows

by zizis



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-08-09
Packaged: 2019-06-12 03:04:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15330342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zizis/pseuds/zizis
Summary: Bernie and Serena have history.For the purpose of this story, and the historical context in which I wish to place the characters, Serena and Bernie are born in 1950, and “present day”, where the story starts, is in fact the early years of the present century.Some characters may be familiar, but this is an AU which Holby City has inspired.I found it helpful to have a historical time line alongside my writing of this fic, to give it a context. Those notes are at the end of the fic (or as many of the chapters as are currently posted).





	1. February 2002 : An Arrival

“Good afternoon, Dr Di Lucca,” Serena greets Raf as she enters AAU at the start of her shift, “And how are we on this bright crisp day ? Anything I need to know ?”

“Hello Serena. All under control. Nothing out of the ordinary. Although,” and he moves closer towards Serena and whispers conspiratorially, “we very nearly got ourselves a wounded soldier. A Major no less.”

“Really ? How exciting !” Serena raises a flirtatious eyebrow, “Always did rather like a uniform.”

Raf is used to Serena Campbell. He has worked alongside her as Registrar to her Consultant for several years now and they are good friends. Knows it means nothing. She is a consummate flirt. She is also the best vascular surgeon he has ever met.

He continues, “Only it was so exciting that Major Berenice Wolfe is up on Darwin right now, being fought over by Ollie Valentine and Guy Self.”

Serena suddenly stops. All levity vanishes, and her hand reaches behind her to steady herself against the nursing station desk.

“Sorry ? Who did you say ?”

“A Major Berenice Wolfe. A surgeon herself, by all accounts. Royal Army Medical Corps. Quite a reputation….”

But before he can continue, or even notice the colour drain from Serena’s face, Serena interrupts him.

“Sorry. I forgot…Must dash…Meeting…”

And Serena is back out through the AAU swing doors and moving swiftly towards the lift. She presses repeatedly on the call button, but the lift is in use and no amount of repeated button pressing is going to bring it down to AAU any time soon. Darwin is four floors up. Serena is 51 years old, going on 52. She has never been a great fan of the gym, instead making a life long commitment to the grape. Paying no heed to any of these factors she turns to the stairwell and commences her ascent.

In the length of time it takes her to climb the stairs she does at least start to reflect on what she will do when she gets there, and by the third floor she has ground to a halt. She recovers her breath and gathers herself. What on earth is she doing ? What is she going to say ? Will they even recognise each other ? What state will she be in ? Her heart is pounding. Please let her be alright !

Outside the doors to Darwin she pauses. Pulls her shirt back into place across her shoulders, and smooths her hair with her hands. Upright. Breathe calm. Poise regained, she enters the ward.

 

************

 

“New arrival ? Major…Wolfe ?” she enquires of a nurse, who points her in the direction of a side room. She approaches and looks through the door window into the room. Empty. Noooo. Oh please no.

Dr Zosia March approaches behind her.

“Hello Ms Campbell. To what does Darwin owe the pleasure ?”

Serena feebly waves in the direction of the room, unable to form a coherent sentence.

“Ah. Our new celebrity arrival. News does travel fast. An unstable C5/C6 neck fracture and a pseudo aneurysm. She’s in theatre at the moment, with both Ollie and my father…”

“I might take a look,” Serena interjects, composure but not her patience, recovered. She makes her way to the viewing window of the operating theatre. She may not like Guy Self much but she does recognise that he is good at what he does. Bloody good. She is grateful it is he holding Major Wolfe’s neck, her future, in his hands. Major Wolfe. Major Berenice Wolfe. Bernie.

When she arrives Oliver Valentine’s raised voice is ordering Guy to hold her head steady. The pseudo aneurysm has ruptured, and he is cracking her chest open. Serena holds her breath. Arms crossed across her own chest, she doesn’t even notice her short surgeon’s nails clawing desperately into the flesh of her arms. The pericardium is full of blood. Put her on bypass. Her heart struggles…..paddles….shock her….not enough…..Oliver’s hands are inside her, massaging it.  The rush in her head pounding. Silently she begs “Please.”

And she’s back. The heart rhythm restored. Serena takes another breath. Leans her forehead against the cool glass window. Whispers a silent “Thank you”, and before anyone has time to notice she is there, she shrinks back into the shadows, leaving the viewing room, leaving Darwin, and leaving Bernie.

 


	2. 1969 : Here we go

The lecture hall is already filling up when Bernie arrives. Her beaten leather satchel is slung over her shoulder, her long blonde hair swept back in a slightly unkempt pony tail. There is a buzz of conversation. Of excitement. For today, today is the beginning. The first day of the first term of her medical degree. Everything has led to this moment.

She scans the hall. It is full of men. Well, boys really. She can count the number of women on one hand. There is a space beside one of them in the second row. She squeezes past some men laughing with each other. They stop to allow her through and she feels their eyes on her, scanning her, assessing her. Is this how it always is ?

“Is this seat taken?” she asks as she reaches the woman.

The woman turns to face her, her face breaking into a welcoming smile.

“It’s all yours,” and then her hand is outstretched to greet her, “Serena McKinnie,” she introduces herself.

Bernie is immediately struck by the warmth and beauty of the brunette, and her honeyed low voice.

“Berenice Wolfe,” she replies, “but my friends just call me Bernie.”

“Then I hope I can too.”

And Bernie nods and smiles back. Oh yes please, she thinks.

Serena’s notebook and coloured biros are already neatly set out in front of her. Bernie rummages in her satchel pulling out a fresh but already slightly battered notebook and a fountain pen, one that will leave ink stains on her fingers but which has travelled with her everywhere, through every exam paper that got her here, and which she now hopes will get her through her degree.

“Excited ?”

“I rather think I am.”

Her stomach gurgles noisily.

“Sorry,” she cringes, embarrassed, “too excited to manage breakfast...”

Serena chuckles softly.

“Well how about we grab some after this ?”

Bernie nods, “Sounds good.”  She likes Serena.

The large plain clock high on the side wall hits 9.00am. On cue the door to front of the hall opens and Professor Dorking walks to the lectern.

“Here we go,” Bernie whispers, as a silence falls around the room. Here we go.

 

*********

 

And friends they become.

Bernie admires Serena’s sharp mind, equal to her own.

Serena admires Bernie’s deft fingers, the way they hold a scalpel as it dissects the flesh of the cadaver they pair up to work on together. Serena can’t help but break out into a wide grin each time she hears Bernie’s goose honk of a laugh. Appreciates Bernie’s innate courtesy in seeing her back to her room after a rare evening out, away from their text books. Learns that Bernie, despite her lean frame, will always be hungry and that it’s best to have a packet of shortbread to hand to offer her whenever she pays a visit.

Bernie observes Serena’s social confidence and quick wit, her ability to find the perfect phrase required to deflate the unfounded cockiness of their male colleagues, her capacity to consume large quantities of red wine and still make the lectures the following morning.

They are bright. They are focused. They are talented. They are the best of friends.

 

********

 

It is not until their second year that Serena catches the eye of one Edward Campbell, a medical student in the year above them. Edward is tall and lanky, with a smooth sense of humour and is already an entertaining raconteur. He flirts. He drinks. He is an easy match for Serena. They spar for a while, dance round each other, play hard to get. Bernie watches from a distance. And then suddenly, almost without warning, it is Edward who gets to see her home, and who stays over at night.

Bernie doesn’t quite understand what Serena sees in Edward, her sudden total immersion in him to the exclusion of everyone else. She feels left out on a limb. 

But Edward has a friend. Another medical student. Slightly stockier, a bit more serious, intense, but good humoured enough. Marcus Dunn. And Marcus seems quite captivated by Bernie. Bernie supposes this is how it goes. And this way they get to hang out together all four of them, and she still gets to be close to Serena. She doesn’t dwell on how important that seems to her.

 

*********

 

And then there is the matter of sex.

Bernie finds she can take it or leave it. Marcus is enthusiastic, even, she supposes, considerate. From the constant chatter of her peers, she suspects it must be her that is perhaps lacking. She finds it works best for her if she lies on her front, helps matters along herself, and buries her face in the pillow, closing her eyes, taking herself somewhere else in her mind, though she knows not where, as she seeks that tipping point.

It seems so different from what she gathers is Serena’s experience. Serena positively glows after a night with Edward. Her wink in response to any sexual allusion is suggestive, almost a smirk. It hints at so much more.

Yes, thinks Bernie, it must be her.

There is one time when the four of them manage a weekend away together in some modest B&B at the seaside. Rooms adjoining.

Marcus is climbing on top of her as they hear the squeak of the bed springs from the next door room. Bernie is grateful for the darkness that hides her blushes. They share a soft snigger but somehow their rhythm starts to echo that of next door and spurs them on. As the sound of Serena’s unrestrained jubilant climax pierces the night, Bernie finds herself joining her, shattering over her own edge, even before Marcus, even before she asks to be flipped over.

Bernie is no idiot. Knows it is no coincidence. Vows to herself never again to get a room adjoining them. She is thrilled, yes. Alive, yes. But also feels as if she is some sort of voyeur, as if she’s invaded Serena’s privacy. For it is only Serena that is in her mind at that moment. Only Serena.

 

*********

 

In their third year Bernie and Serena decide to rent a small flat together.

They have progressed to working on the wards alongside their lectures. Marcus and Edward have very different schedules to theirs and it is increasingly hard for them all to get time together. Bernie doesn’t mind. She thinks perhaps this is the happiest time. She gets to work on real patients by day and collapse on the sofa with Serena in the evenings. They can’t afford a TV or the licence that goes with it, but there’s little time for that anyway what with the mass of studying required. Neither of them can be bothered to cook, and the stove, such as it is, has only two rings. So with that and the toaster, it’s usually something on toast that materialises, suffices. But even with this lacking diet, the long days, the piles of books they need to study, they always seem to find some time to sit together and share a laugh.

Yes, this Bernie thinks is her happiest time.

 

 


	3. 2002 : Recovery

“Hello Major Wolfe. I’m your porter today. I’ve come to take you to your physio session,” the tall bespectacled curly haired young man introduces himself.

Bernie, reluctant to require the necessary transport of a wheelchair, is nevertheless grateful for a change of scene. She is frustrated by the monotony of her recovery, the unchanging vista of the blank cream walls, the slightly stale smell of antiseptic. She has a side room. Her only visitors her doctors and other assorted hospital staff. The tedium of a slow recovery from major surgery is overwhelming.

“Would you mind if I talked to you as we go along ?” he asks politely. He has been taught by his aunt that not everyone is open to his inquisitive chatter, to check with them first.

Bernie considers this intense young man. She reads his name from his name tag as he helps manoeuvre her into the chair.

“That’s fine…..Jason.”

“It’s just I can be a little direct, and may ask a lot of questions,” he explains, “I have Aspergers. I need people to tell me if they’d rather be quiet.”

Bernie warms to him instantly. The different, the ones that don’t quite fit. She feels an affinity.

“I think I’d rather like a chat actually, Jason.”

Given licence, Jason begins.

 “Was it Afghanistan where you were blown up, Major Wolfe ? What was it like ? I mean Afghanistan, not the blowing up bit,” he clarifies.

Bernie grins, for what feels like the first time in a very long while, happy to relate to a fascinated Jason tales of the army and her time in the desert.

And so begins a friendship. Bernie finds she hopes it will be Jason that comes to porter her to each physio appointment, and Jason always volunteers for the job on the portering rosta.

And so too Bernie’s recovery begins.

 

***********

 

Sleep is hard. So little energy burnt up just lying in bed most of the time. The doctors prescribe sleeping tablets to help. A low dose, but enough to bring some respite.

Only the night staff on the ward notice the frequent visitor. The one who comes up in the shadow of the night, who silently lets herself into Major Wolfe’s room, who scans through the notes at the foot of her bed, and then stands for a while watching the sleeping patient, before disappearing back into the shadows again. Of course they recognise her. The whole hospital knows who she is. Ms Serena Campbell. Consultant general and vascular surgeon. Head of AAU. Former Deputy CEO of Holby City Hospital.

  



	4. 1974 : All Change

At the end of their fifth year everything changes.

As soon as Edward becomes a Houseman he proposes to Serena. She accepts on the clearest of understandings that it is not going to affect the completion of her degree and the progress of her medical career. Bernie approves of the latter but even though Serena and Edward have been a couple for years now, she still finds it hard to share in her friend’s seeming happiness. There’s just something about Edward that makes her uneasy. Is it the way he looks at other women, even her ? She half thinks he’s just proposing to Serena to make sure his mark is stamped on her - “Taken”. To stop others from daring to approach. Like a spraying tom cat marking its territory. She can’t help thinking that maybe Serena could do better.

The other half of her thinks how empty her life will seem without coming home to Serena in their tiny flat each night. She tries to shrug that feeling off, but it sits over her like a dark cloud.

The wedding is a modest simple registry office one, with Bernie and Marcus as their witnesses. In the pub afterwards, several bottles of cheap champagne down the line, and a little worse for wear, Marcus turns to her and asks simply, “Shall we, too ?” It’s not romantic. It’s practical. She has no real reason to say no. Looks at Edward drunkenly snogging his new wife. Looks back to Marcus. He’s a decent man, they make each other laugh. She could do worse. Thinks if she says yes it mightn’t hurt so much. And really no isn’t an option, if all four of them are to stay close. And if all four of them don’t stay close, what will happen with her and Serena ? Saying yes, seems to be the best way she can think of to hold onto what she has. So she does.

**********

And life goes on. There’s a little less colour to Bernie’s life but she and Serena still get to work and study alongside each other and their flats are only a bike ride away, a phone call away.

But the hours are long for them all. There is very little time to play, so it’s a rare pleasure when all four of them find their schedules coinciding enough to go out for the evening together, to hear a band they all like. They let their hair down. They are in need of some fun.

Marcus is off buying a round of drinks. Judging by the mass around the bar he is likely to be some time.

“I love this one !” Serena shrieks as the band strike up a familiar number, and she leaps up and into the dancing throng to lose herself amongst them. Bernie smiles broadly. A slightly drunken Serena is waving her limbs and body around with wild abandonment. She loves these now rare glimpses of carefree Serena, wishes she could let herself do the same, but for now is content to just watch her friend be happy and free.

“Magnificent, isn’t she ?”

Edward’s voice behind her brings her back starkly into the real world.

She looks blankly at him, hoping he can’t see her flush in the semi dark room.

“Serena.” He clarifies, as if there was ever any doubt over who he was referring to, nodding towards his wife.

She tries to shrug nonchalantly, and looks away, uncomfortable.

He leans further, into her ear.

“I see how you look at her. You want her, don’t you Bernie ?”

She refuses to turn to face him. Her heart is pounding.

“Well,” he continues, “She’s mine.”

He pauses. There’s more ?

“But, I’m willing to,” a longer pause “…….share…….you, me, her, together, so to speak….” And his fingers trip along her bare arm.

She can almost feel him licking his lips as his eyes bore into the back of her head. There is no doubt as to his meaning. She recoils instantly from his lascivious touch, pulling her arm away and across her chest. Bile rises in her throat. She wants to turn and slap him. To defend Serena’s honour. Instead the best she can manage is to whisper, “I think you have had too much to drink,” before walking away, every one of his words imprinted on her brain.


	5. 2002 : A Visit

“I told my Auntie all about you,” Jason announces.

Physio is going very well. Bernie has regained some mobility. She is beginning to walk again, albeit using a stick, for short distances anyway. But it’s a long way across the hospital to the Physio Department so the wheelchair pushed by her favourite porter is still very necessary.

“Oh yes ? What did she say ?”

She imagines his aunt, a tired old woman, tired from a hard life trying to support herself and her nephew, slumped in an armchair feigning interest in Jason’s latest tale as she fights off the exhaustion of another day’s low paid labours.

“She seemed very interested. I was a little surprised really. She’s not usually that interested in what I say. Sometimes I think she just pretends, just to make me happy,” he sighs, “But she really did seem very interested this time. I think maybe it is because you are both doctors and probably not of a dissimilar age.”

Bernie chides herself. How dare she have made assumptions about Jason’s aunt.

“What sort of a doctor is she ?”

“A very good one.” He is emphatic. “She works at this hospital.”

By now Bernie is quite intrigued.

He continues, “She is a consultant on AAU,” he says proudly, “Her name is Serena Campbell.”

“Who ?” Bernie whispers. She feels the flush sweep up through her body. Is grateful she is already seated, and that Jason is behind her and cannot see her. It can’t be. Serena ? Serena. Here ?

“Serena Campbell,” he repeats, “She’s a vascular surgeon. She’s very important. She used to be the Deputy CEO of the whole hospital, but that was before I came to live with her.”

Bernie is silent. She is trying to bring some order to the rush of thoughts flooding her mind.

Jason continues, oblivious, filling the void with his story.

“I used to live with my mother but she died. I didn’t know I had an auntie, but when she found me and we met she asked me to come and live with her. I think she likes the company. She has a daughter, my cousin, but she doesn’t come home very much. So it’s just the two of us really. She used to go out with this policeman, Robbie, but it turned out he wasn’t as nice as she thought he was.”

Bernie hears “daughter”, she hears “policeman”. No mention of Edward. She is processing everything. Just the two of them. But try hard as she can, all she can really hear is Serena, here, in this hospital. Now. Here. Serena.

It is a relief when they arrive at the physio department and Jason hands her over to the mercy of the physio and the parallel bars. And by the end of her session she has made a decision, and formulated a plan.

On the way back, Jason once more at the helm, she raises the subject of his aunt again.

“I think I may know your auntie from a long time back, when we were studying to be doctors. Perhaps we could pay her a surprise visit when I’m a little stronger. Do you think she’d like that ?”

Jason pauses. He’s not sure his aunt would like a surprise, especially not at work. She can get a bit cross at times. She doesn’t like being disturbed. But Bernie is so nice. It would be bound to be a good surprise, wouldn’t it ?

“But it would need to be a total surprise, Jason. It would have to be our secret. Is that okay ?”

On balance Jason thinks it would be. After all, he would like it if Bernie was his surprise, and he doesn’t like surprises at all, generally.

 

*************

 

And so it is a few days later, after yet another physio session, and much soul searching on Bernie’s part, that instead of turning right out of the physio department, they turn left, unfamiliar corridors unfolding before her, as Jason wheels her towards the swing doors of AAU.

She spots Serena immediately. She is standing at the nurses’ station leafing through a file of notes. Her hair is still short but shot through with strands of grey. Her flowing shirt is long, covering those generous hips she was always so self-conscious about, but which Bernie thought so beautiful.

“Hello Auntie Serena,” Jason announces.

Serena doesn’t look up. Irritated.

“Jason. I’m sorry but I’m really busy right now. Can it wait till later ?”

“But I’ve a surprise for you….”

“Hello Serena.” Bernie’s voice wobbles slightly as she interjects.

Serena freezes. Doesn’t move. Doesn’t turn. Well, not immediately anyway. She knows the voice. Part of her has been expecting this. And yet, it is still a shock. Her heart is pounding as she turns to face the speaker.

“Bernie,” she whispers, “Bernie.”


	6. 1976 : Lies and Truths Part 1

Bernie is unglamorously unloading the washing machine when the phone rings. She’s on days but Marcus is on nights this week. She is looking forward to kicking off her shoes and collapsing with a whiskey and a good book after another exhausting day on the wards, but they are running out of clean clothes, so laundry must come first. Grudgingly she picks up, but then her heart lifts as she hears Serena’s voice.

“Serena,” but then there’s what sounds like a sob, “ Are you okay ?”

“Can I come over ?”

“Sure. What’s wrong ? Serena ?”

“I’ll be with you in half an hour.”

And the call is ended. What on earth ? Bernie is worried. Serena has never sounded like that before. Even when she lost her first patient. She paces up and down listening for the doorbell. Fills the kettle, in case tea is required. Gets a bottle of wine out, just in case. It is Serena after all.

It is pouring outside. April showers arriving early in March. By the time Serena arrives on her door step she is drenched. Her hair plastered to her head. The rain trickling down her face. She comes into the kitchen and slumps down on a chair. Bernie hands her a towel. They say nothing. Serena buries her head in it. A sob.

Bernie kneels in front of her.

“Serena ? What’s wrong ? Talk to me, please.”

Another muffled sob.

“It’s Edward. He’s, he’s having an affair.”

Bastard, thinks Bernie. The utter bastard. How dare he hurt her.

Serena is now heaving with sobs. 

What do you do when you see your best friend in distress ? You put your arm around her. You plant a comforting kiss on her forehead. You draw back and look at her to let your eyes meet with hers and let them tell her that it’s okay, that she is cherished. Your raise your thumb to gently sweep away the tears running down her cheek. And then you softly lean in and place your lips against hers…..No, not that last bit !

Bernie pulls back immediately. Too late.

“Bernie ?”

Bernie is on fire. She is mortified. How could she forget herself ? That was the last thing Serena needed. What have I done ? She cannot look at Serena. She stands and turns away from her, mumbling apologies, grasping for excuses she cannot find.

“Bernie, wait!” Serena has stopped her sobs. Must be the shock.

“I’m so sorry Serena. I don’t know what came over me. Please, can we just forget it.”

Serena shakes her head slowly. Then softly asks, “How long ?”

Bernie thinks she could lie. Thinks she could just say it was a spur of the moment thing. But she is tired. Tired of hiding it from everyone. Tired of not even admitting it to herself. Tired.

“From the first moment I met you,” she whispers. The relief of her confession is overwhelming. In an instance everything makes sense to her. It is Serena. It has always been Serena. She slides down the wall, slumped on the floor. Defeated. The battle within her is finally over.

“Oh my poor sweet Bernie….”

She hears the words part the waves roaring in her head. And there is Serena, kneeling on the floor in front of her, cupping Bernie’s face in both her hands, leaning forward to press her own lips against Bernie’s. And Bernie is lost. Dizzy. She no longer has any sense of reality. There is nothing. No future, no past, only Serena’s lips against hers, only Serena’s mouth opening to hers, only Serena.

She has no idea how much time has passed when she comes to. Serena is by her side, sat on the floor next to her, holding her hand, their fingers intertwined. They are both silent.

“What happens now ?” she asks eventually, cautiously.

“I have no idea,” Serena responds.

Again silence. After a while Serena turns to Bernie.

“Can I stay the night ?”

“Of course. Marcus is on nights. I’ll take the sofa. You take the bed. I’ve clean sheets,” she remembers the laundry, “just not ironed. Sorry.”

Serena shakes her head.

“Can I sleep with you, in the bed, with you ?”

Bernie colours.

“No, I didn’t mean that,” Serena hastily clarifies, but then continues, “Not that I don’t want to. I mean….,” she pauses, thinking, and then slowly it dawns on her,“……I do. I think I actually do….” And she smiles weakly at Bernie, “….but right now, would you just hold me ?”

And so they go to bed and lie together in the dark, Serena curled up in Bernie’s arms. Neither sleeps. Neither talks. They just hold one another and try to make sense of it all. Edward. Serena. Bernie. No one thinks of Marcus.

 

***************

 

At some stage they must have fallen asleep, as when Bernie wakes up Serena is draped across her. She lies there, gently running her fingers through her hair, planting soft kisses against the top of Serena’s head. Serena stirs. Bernie can feel Serena’s hand stroking her where it lies across her stomach. It moves up. Bernie takes a breath and does not exhale. Serena is stroking her breast through the material of her t-shirt. She feels her nipple harden as Serena drags her thumb across it. There is a jolt of electricity directly to her core. Oh god.

“I want you Bernie. You.”

And Serena turns to her and takes her mouth in hers. Bernie’s arms encompass Serena. Her hands in her hair, holding her, stroking her. Serena raises herself to look down at Bernie. Bernie undoes the buttons of the shirt Serena has slept in, pushing it back across her shoulders, and feasting her eyes, her very soul, on the sight that is Serena naked. Naked and wanting her. Serena reaches down to Bernie’s shorts and cups her hand to Bernie. Bernie thinks she may come from this alone. She has never felt so aroused, so alive. She knows she is so wet.

“May I ?” Serena asks quietly.

“I think I’ll die if you don’t.” And I may die if you do, Bernie thinks, but oh sweet death….

Serena slips her hand inside Bernie’s shorts and along the wet warmth she finds there. Her fingers slide easily inside her. They instinctively know when to dip, when to curl, the heel of her palm pressing against Bernie’s swollen clit. And Bernie is transported as Serena moves within her. Her back arches, her hips rise to meet Serena, and then everything crashes around her, bursts through her. Years of longing burst and shatter into a million pieces, as wave after wave surges through her.

“Oh my beautiful Bernie, my beautiful, beautiful Bernie,” she hears as she comes back into herself. And Serena is kissing her face, her cheeks, kissing away the tears that are rolling down them. Because Bernie is crying. Whether out of joy, out of despair, or out of sheer relief, she can’t tell. She can’t help herself. All she can think about is this. This. This. Serena. This. This is her answer. This is the answer.

 


	7. 1976 : Lies and Truths Part 2

Truth be told Bernie has no idea how she, they, get through the next few weeks. There is work, there is Marcus….to avoid. There is Edward and his affair. But the only thing that fills her mind is Serena. In moments of lucidity she knows she should give Serena space to sort out what she thinks about her marriage to Edward. Knows she is perhaps just making things more complicated for Serena. But every fibre of her just wants to hold onto whatever moments she and Serena can snatch alone together.

And it seems Serena feels the same. Yes, she can see Serena’s rage at Edward, but Serena seems to burn for her too. Even the slightest of touches, as they brush past each other, charges through them. It chases them into corners, storerooms, anywhere they can find for hot furtive kisses.

The reality is Serena is still living with Edward. There are days when her eyes are red raw when she appears on the ward in the morning, no amount of make up or concealer sufficient to hide the pain and the effects of no doubt heated exchanges. But just the sight of Bernie, and a weight seems to lift from Serena’s shoulders.

Bernie avoids Marcus. It’s not that hard really. She feigns tiredness. Rostas conflict. His snores on those nights when they are together, irritate her. The roughness of his skin. The very bulk of him. Her thirst for Serena is unquenchable. She lies beside him in the darkness, till she is sure he is asleep, then reaches for herself in need and desperation, her own fingers becoming Serena’s. She cannot get enough. And for a moment it blocks out the questions they haven’t asked, and certainly haven’t answered. What is this to Serena ? Is it just to drown out the pain of Edward’s betrayal ? Or is it something more ? She knows what it is to her. That moment of truth, “From the first moment I met you.” She now knows what she feels for Serena, what she has always felt for her.

When they manage to manoeuvre their schedules to snatch hours together alone, it is all about sating their hunger for each other. Instead of words, Serena opens her body to Bernie, over and over again. Serena is oxygen to Bernie. The musky scent of her arousal. Bernie thinks she will suffocate without it. She buries her head between Serena’s thighs - her tongue, her fingers, searching, soothing, searing, until they both lose themselves, calling out each other’s names, again and again. And with each touch Bernie silently promises her love, for now, for ever.

 

**************

 

But what of Serena ? What does all this mean to her ?

It is late April. The sky outside is dark with rain clouds. They have made love all afternoon on Bernie’s bed. Bernie is on lates. Will need to be at the hospital in a few hours. Serena can hear the beat of Bernie’s heart as she lies against her chest. It is strong and solid.

“I love you, Bernie.”

They have never said the love word to each other before. Not in words.

Bernie does not know how to respond.

“I want you to know that,” Serena continues as if having read Bernie’s mind, Bernie’s unsaid fears, “it, this, isn’t about Edward. This is about us.”

Bernie waits. There is more. Serena can feel the beat of Bernie’s heart quicken in her chest.

“I think I’ve loved you for a very long time. I just didn’t know we could….be…..like this. Not people like us. Do you understand Bernie ?”

And of course Bernie understands. Nobody even says the word for who/what they are. Not without it being disparaging, something only to be whispered. Or a damning feminist political jibe. She recalls sneaking off to the cinema, alone, aged 18, to watch the film “The Killing of Sister George”.  The thrill at the scene in the Gateways club of women dancing together. But then her shudder at the shadowy barbed predatory relationships. I am not like _that,_ she had thought _._

But love changes everything.

She nods. And holds Serena tighter, whispering, “I love you. I love you,” over and over again.

But what happens next ? Neither can think that far ahead. Not yet. Not now. Let’s just stay here.

 

****************

 

“Bernie,” It is early May. The blossom on the trees is already falling away. They are laying on the bed. They are naked. Bernie is planting kisses across Serena’s skin, her neck, her breasts, her stomach. “Bernie, I think I may be pregnant.”

Bernie stops. Blinks.

“You… think ?” she says slowly.

“I’ve missed two periods now….I thought it was because of everything that was happening….Edward….you….us…..but I’m not so sure now. I feel different. My breasts feel tender….”

“Well, that could just be….well… me…I am rather partial to them,” Bernie smiles hopefully.

“I wish it was you, you fool. But…I think I need to get a test done.”

 

*****************

 

The doctor takes her sample and it is sent away. They wait days for the results. It comes back positive. Pregnant.

They sit side by side on the sofa. Bernie reaches out and takes Serena’s hand, intertwining their fingers.

“Ok. Ok.” She tries to sound reassuring.

There is silence again.

Then quietly, “But it’s not okay, is it?” Serena whispers.

Bernie looks at Serena, unsure.

“It’s Edward’s baby.”

Bernie turns Serena’s downcast head towards her. Wants Serena to know that she is there for her, unconditionally.

“That doesn’t make any difference to me. It’s your baby. If you want to keep it, of course….. your choice….,” she wants to get this right, “If you want this, I’ll be there for you and the baby.”

“That’s not what I mean,” Serena shakes her head.

Bernie doesn’t understand. She looks quizzically at Serena.

“I mean it’s Edward’s baby too.”

And the penny drops. This bubble they’ve been living in these past two months dissolves around her. It’s no longer about just them anymore. It’s about what Edward wants too. It’s his baby. Not hers. Not theirs. His.


	8. 1976 : Lies and Truths Part 3

The days creep by. Bernie feels each minute as it slips by, like a count down. To what ? Serena is pale. She is exhausted. She is not sleeping. Neither of them are. She is drained from exhaustion, from throwing up. They don’t talk. Instead every moment they can catch with each other they make love. They tear through each other, reaching into each other, to lose themselves, to shut out the clamour of the questions, the reality of what is happening. Bernie clutches at Serena as if to try and stop her turning into sand and slipping through her fingers.

 

************

 

Serena’s belly is beginning to swell. Even from the sofa in their flat, to which he has been exiled, Edward can hear her retching. They haven’t spoken for days. Serena crawls back beneath the duvet. Her body feels alien, hostile.

“I’m sorry Serena,” she hears, “I’m so sorry for hurting you. It’s always been you, Serena. Only you. It didn’t mean anything.”

She’s heard it before. This litany of apology.

“I was a fool. It won’t ever happen again. I promise. Not now. We need to stick together Serena… To be a family.”

And Edward slides his hand beneath the covers of the bed, and runs it over the swell of her stomach.

He knows. Of course he knows. How could he not have noticed ?

“Our baby,” he whispers, “What we’ve always wanted. A family.”

Her head is a fug.

“Please Serena. Can we try again ? For the sake of our baby.”

She can’t find words. All she can hear now is the rush of the blood as it pumps through her, through the child growing inside her.

And then the chill as he speaks again, more assured now, “She, she can’t give you this.”

And then Serena knows. Edward knows. He is marking his territory, and Edward will have what Edward regards as his by right. Serena shudders, and draws her arms protectively across her stomach.

 

**********

 

It is June. The air is humid and sticky. A heatwave. Uncomfortable. 

“He doesn’t deserve it after what he did to you. Leave him. We’ll move away. Start a life together, somewhere new where no one knows us. The three of us.”

Bernie paces up and down as she tries to construct a life for them both, as she tries to hold onto Serena. They have been here before, and before. They go round and round in circles. And each time they end up farther and farther away from each other.

“You know we can’t.”

“Why ? Why not ?”

“It’s his baby too.”

“So, what ? You play happy families ? He’ll do it again.”

Serena is in tears. They course down her face as she hugs her knees to her belly, keening on the bed. Bernie continues to pace.

“What about us ?”

“I can’t lose this baby, Bernie. My baby,” she sobs, “For Christ’s sake Bernie, you know the statistics as well as I do. Look, they’re set out for everyone to see, here, right here,” and she throws the well thumbed Spare Rib magazine at Bernie’s feet, “Not one, not one successful custody battle won by a mother in a lesbian relationship. I can’t lose my child Bernie. I can’t.”

Bernie falls to her knees, and pulls Serena towards her, burying her face in her, muffling her own sobs. Serena holds Bernie’s head in her hands, toying with her hair.

“I can’t Bernie, I can’t.”

 

**********

 

By nightfall, they have grown silent, exhausted. Bernie sits slumped at the side of the bed as Serena stands to leave. She is defeated.

“I love you Bernie. Always,” Serena looks down to her, “Always.”

And then she turns and walks out of the room, the door softly closing behind her.

Bernie knows in that moment that she has lost Serena.

Sometimes, love is not enough. It should be. But sometimes, it isn’t.

 

*********

 

Serena doesn’t hear from Bernie for days. Their paths don’t cross at work. She and Edward move around each other in their flat. It feels like he is circling around her like a bird of prey, waiting, waiting. At times he reaches out to touch her, gently, not pushing it. He brings her tea, a cold drink. He is being considerate. He is watching her. She longs for Bernie’s strong arms around her, for the soft skin of her cheek against hers. It is agony not seeing her.

Days turn into weeks. She feels the baby growing. Edward moves back into the bed. There is no discussion. She lies there aware of his presence, and tries to think of nothing but the child inside her. Tears leak from her, silently calling out Bernie’s name into the darkness.

 

************

 

Edward returns from the hospital one day. He has news.

“Marcus is in shock. Poor bugger. Did you know, Serena ? Bernie’s left him. Walked out. Just like that. She’s left the hospital. Everything. Signed up with the army medical corps. Can you believe it ?” He can’t stop revelling in his victory, ”What a cliché. Running away to join the bloody foreign legion!”

Serena pales. Rushes to the bathroom and throws up.

“You okay, Serena ?”

She retches again as she hears him say smugly, “It’s just you, me, and the baby now.”


	9. 2002 : AAU

“Bernie.”

“Hello Serena,” Bernie repeats.

For a while neither can say anything more. Bernie takes in the sight of Serena. Her silvered hair, the creases on her face, the brightness in her eyes. She is …. glorious.

Serena wants to say a thousand things but cannot find a single word. Her throat is dry. Her limbs feel heavy, refusing to move by will alone. She feels the eyes of her colleagues boring into her, wondering, waiting.

Eventually, after what feels like an eternity to her, she manages a half sentence.

“My office ?”

Bernie nods.

Jason goes to push the wheelchair but it will not fit through the door. Serena feels a panic rising in her.

“It’s ok. I can walk, a bit.”

And Bernie pushes herself up to standing. Serena reaches out to take her arm and help her into the room. They both feel it. That charge of electricity that shocks through them as they touch for the first time in twenty six years.

Serena closes the door behind them. They will not be interrupted. That at least is understood.

Again silence. Neither knows where to start. How to start.

“How are you ?” Serena manages.

She knows it is inept, inadequate, but someone has to start somewhere. Surely ? They can’t just stand there and look at each other.

“I’m doing well, all things considered. Nearly ready to be discharged. And you, you look….” dare she say it ? “…magnificent.”

“Oh Bernie. I never thought I’d see you again,” Serena swallows a sob. Feels her eyes tearing up. She wants to reach out and touch Bernie’s face. She doesn’t. “And then they brought you in. I thought I’d lost you forever. Bernie.” And then the tears do begin to spill and fall. She wipes them away with the back of her hand. “I’m sorry,” she stutters.

It is too much. Bernie cannot look at her. She turns away and closes her eyes, her throat tight. Opening them, she spots the picture frame on the shelf. A young woman. So like her mother. That small cleft in her chin. The vital intelligence in her eyes.

“Your daughter ?”

“Elinor. Yes. She’s a journalist. 25 now….”

“I figured as much.” Of course she has. She’s counted every year, every day. Every hour ?

“Edward ?”

“Gone. A long time ago. He didn’t change. He’s remarried now. Some embryo wife.”

Silence. So many thoughts swirl around but only stilted words form solid enough to be spoken.

Serena starts again.

“The army. A major. It went well ?”

“It did. It suited me. The focus.”

Tentatively Serena asks the question she wants to scream, needs to know, but is so afraid to hear the answer to.

“Is there…someone ?”

“No. Not now. Never really. Not that counted. Not that lasted.”

“A woman ?”

Bernie nods. “Always. It’s who I am. But in the army. Very much frowned on. At least until recently.” She hesitates, “And you ?”

“There were men. A few. After Edward. But nothing stuck. Nothing could,” she suddenly feels brave,” They weren’t you.”

Bernie lets the words settle on her. She lets them seep through her flesh, into her blood stream and flow through her. She feels them begin to draw the disparate pieces of herself together again, to make her feel whole in a way she hasn’t felt for twenty six long years.

She whispers, “Serena.”

Neither knows who makes the first move. Serena’s fingers are running through Bernie’s hair pulling her head closer into their kiss. Bernie’s arms are around Serena holding her close, as if never to let her go.


	10. Epilogue : 2008 : Late October

Bernie is sitting on a rock. Below her the waves pound and draw back ceaselessly. She loves it here. After so many years stationed in the desert, she craves the constant motion and wildness of the ocean. And on her rock, she feels anchored amidst it all.

She has bought a small cottage by the sea. She comes here whenever she can get the time. The salt and tang of the air. The cold wind coats her in spray as a wave smashes beneath her. She pulls her coat collar tighter around her neck. The water is grey and choppy for as far as she can see. It is hard to detect where the sky ends and the sea begins.

“Budge up.” Serena has navigated the rocks to join her on her perch. “I thought you might appreciate some of this.”

She is carrying a thermos flask of strong hot coffee. She holds it out to Bernie.

Bernie looks at her. Serena smiles back. With her mouth. With her eyes. With her heart.

Bernie wonders how on earth she got to here. To love, and be loved by, Serena. Each day she thinks she cannot love her more, but somehow it seems she does.

“Marry me,” she says.

“You idiot,” Serena replies, “Still yes. Every time you ask.”

For Bernie asks her again and again, in the most ordinary of moments, in the most extra ordinary of moments. Their matching civil partnership rings bear witness to this repeated question and answer exchange.

“There’s bread warming in the oven and hot soup when you want to come back in. But, no rush.”

Soon it will get too cold to stay outside. They will go back in. Later Bernie will light a fire and they will curl up together in front of it. They will share a bottle of wine and watch the flames lick and dart. Later still Bernie will undo the buttons of Serena’s shirt. She will plant kisses on Serena’s neck, below her ears, and across her breasts. She will nip and suck in the way that she knows electrifies Serena. She will work her way down, shedding all clothing obstacles as she goes. She will bury her head in the sweetest of harbours, and perform conjuring tricks with her tongue that will tip Serena over cliff edges. And she will tell her she loves her. That she always has done. That she always will.

 

 

The End

**Author's Note:**

> Notes : I found it helpful (and a bit of fun) to have a historical time line of some relevant events alongside my writing of this fic, to give it a context in which to understand better the decisions and choices the characters might make. So I thought I would include it in the notes in case people might find it of interest. Any errors are my own.
> 
> I may have got a bit carried away……
> 
> A brief timeline of some relevant events in 19th, 20th and present century Britain
> 
> 1795 – 1865 : Irish born Dr James Barry serves as a high ranking military surgeon in the British Army and is only officially  
> discovered to have been born with a female body upon death  
> 1865 : Elizabeth Garrett Anderson obtains a licence from the Society of Apothecaries to practise medicine, the first  
> woman qualified in Britain to do so  
> 1874 : Sophia Jex-Blake founds London School of Medicine for Women  
> 1876 : Legislation opens up the possibility of medical and university education for women  
> 1898 : Royal Army Medical Corps (RAMC) incorporated  
> 1911 : Eleanor Davies-Colley becomes first woman Fellow of the Royal College of Surgeons of England (FRCS)  
> 1914 : Start of First World War  
> May 1915 : Drs Louisa Garrett Anderson and Flora Murray found Endell Street Military Hospital in London  
> 1916 : Women doctors begin to work in front line overseas hospitals  
> 1918 : First World War ends  
> 1919 : 4 women are recorded as Fellows of the Royal College of Surgeons of England (FRCS)  
> 1921 : Attempts in Parliament to extend the law so that sexual acts between women are to be treated as criminal in  
> the same way that sexual acts between men had been since 1885. Failed largely due to the fear that legislating  
> against it would only draw attention to such “distasteful” behaviour.  
> 1928 : Women get the Vote on the same terms as men  
> July 1928 : Radclyffe Hall publishes The Well of Loneliness  
> 1928 : Virginia Woolf publishes Orlando dedicated to Vita Sackville-West  
> Nov 1928 : The Well of Loneliness is the subject of a criminal prosecution for obscenity and is banned  
> 1939 : Start of Second World War  
> 1945 : Second World War ends  
> 1967 : Abortion Act 1967 legalises abortions by registered practitioners  
> 1967 : Sexual Offences Act 1967 decriminalises male homosexual acts in private between two men over the age of 21  
> 1968 : Film Killing of Sister George released  
> 1976 : Magazine Spare Rib reports that to date no British lesbians have won custody of their children in a contested  
> court battle when separating from their husbands in order to enter into a lesbian relationship  
> 1988 : Section 28 of the Local Government Act 1988 prohibits local authorities from “promoting” homosexuality or gay  
> “pretend family relationships”, and prevents councils from spending money on educational materials and  
> projects perceived to promote a gay lifestyle  
> 1990 : 320 women are recorded as Fellows of the Royal College of Surgeons of England (FRCS)  
> Jan 1994 : Channel 4’s Brookside airs first lesbian kiss in a British soap opera on TV  
> 2000 : Ban on openly lesbian and gay personnel in the British armed services lifted  
> 2004 : Civil Partnership Act  
> 2008 : Human Fertilisation and Embryology Act recognises a civil partner or wife of the birth mother as a legal parent  
> of a child conceived through artificial insemination after 6 April 2009  
> 2009 : 1,184 women are recorded as Fellows of the Royal College of Surgeons of England (FRCS)  
> Mar 2014 : Marriage (Same Sex Couples) Act comes into effect


End file.
